How to Get Fired Easily! A Guide for the Ambitiously Unemployed
Tired of that steady paycheck and the burden of professional responsibility? Longing for endless free time? You've come to the right place. Follow this simple guide to fast-track your journey to unemployment.
1. Master 'Creative' Punctuality
Arriving on time is predictable. Show up 15 minutes late for meetings to make an entrance. Take long lunches. Leave early. This demonstrates that your time is more valuable than the company's.
2. Embrace Communication Blackouts
Let your inbox overflow. View voicemails as optional suggestions. Ignore messages in the team chat. A complete lack of response shows you are too busy with more important things, even if those things are just staring at your screen.
3. Redefine Teamwork
The best way to be a team player is to ensure you’re the only one who scores. Take credit for all successes, and expertly assign blame for any failures. When a project goes wrong, have a list of colleagues ready to point to.
4. Become the Office Pessimist
Shoot down every new idea. Complain about the company, your boss, the workload, and the quality of the coffee. A consistently negative attitude is wonderfully effective at destroying team morale and marking you as non-essential.
5. Treat Deadlines as Mere Suggestions
Deadlines are not set in stone; they are flexible concepts. Consistently submit your work late. This shows a profound disrespect for project timelines and the work of your colleagues who depend on you.
6. Use Social Media Carelessly
Your public social media accounts are the perfect place to complain about your job, your boss, or your clients. Sharing a confidential piece of company news is an advanced move that can expedite the process significantly.
7. Ignore Feedback Completely
During performance reviews or one-on-one meetings, nod politely and then proceed to change absolutely nothing. Demonstrating that you are uncoachable is a clear signal that you have no interest in growth or improvement.
Follow these steps with dedication, and you'll be clearing out your desk in no time. Good luck on your path to professional freedom!
